{Waves and Breakers}

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me-- a prayer to the God of my life {Psalm 42:7-8}

Or, in the New Living Translation:

I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. Through each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.

I have debated with myself about sharing an entry from my prayer journal with you. I offer this glimpse to you, as I feel led to share. We might have different things that we are crying out to God about in our lives, but I believe that this flowed from my pen not only for me, but for you. Please don't become distraught for me as you read, but welcome what the Spirit of God might want to say to you in YOUR heart and YOUR situation. After this time of prayer, I have had such a peace and gentleness surrounding me. I don't know how to describe it other than surrounded by His gentleness.

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Surrender.

O God, I ache, I ache. I struggle to free myself from the bonds of what I want. To completely release myself to what you want. Your will, Your plan. Surrender.

Longing...

...longing...

I'm longing for new life to grow inside of me. For the gently rounded tummy of new life. The newborn first cradled in my womb, then in my arms.

Aching...

...oh how I am aching...

My heart is throbbing with the pain of this hope continually deferred. Tears burn continually in the back of my eyes and throat. It has become a physical pain, this desire, this want. Dare I say this need?

Driven...driven to my knees...

...to prayer...

Ashamed that it takes struggle and pain to bring me to my knees in complete surrender. That it takes fierce need to come before you in complete submission.

I feel raw. Like I have been rubbed raw, the way pavement shreds away the skin on a deeply skinned knee. My insides exposed. And when that raw area is touched, I scream with pain inside.

It hurts Jesus. My heart hurts. I am raw Jesus, rubbed raw.

I have asked. Begged. Wailed. Pushed and pulled. Contrived. Striven to move your hand with my prayers, with your Word. If I could have forced you to move, would I have?

Repent...

...i repent...

I repent of the 'me'. My wants, my needs. Be it may a reasonable desire from an earthly perspective, from a heavenly perspective, what is it?

I come back to 'surrender'. You ask me to surrender

What does this mean? How does it look? Do I stop asking? Does the grieving stop? I don't think it will. And how long? How long do you ask me to surrender?

"Indefinitely."

Did you hear my heart gasp? Its sharp intake of breath? Indefinitely. Even if you choose to never return it to me. Indefinitely. Yours. Indefinitely not mine.

Indefinitely yours, even if this womb and these arms remain empty of another newborn- forevermore.

This tearing away of my will, how exposing.

How freeing.

With tears streaming I say "Not my will, but yours be done".

With heart breaking I say "Your Will, Your Plan".

In complete submission at your feet, I surrender.

I don't know how to live this day by day, or even moment by moment. Give me the grace to do so.

I surrender.

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Let my prayer be counted as incense before you, and the lifting of my hands as the evening sacrifice!"{Psalm 141:2}

You keep in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock. {Isaiah 26:3-4}